


let my eyes return to you

by whitew0rms



Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: Indie Music, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 23:18:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15717132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitew0rms/pseuds/whitew0rms
Summary: Pat looks down, starts to strum, slow and rhythmic. It's a while before he starts singing and Brian is entranced. Pat keeps his eyes shut when he sings, and rocks back and forwards slightly, so caught up that he can't help himself but move.He's incredible. Brian is in love.





	let my eyes return to you

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fic that is not quite finished, but i am starting to publish in the aims of maybe finishing it, at some point in the next few months. i started writing it soon after my friend passed, and it was a way of confronting a lot of feelings i was having, but i didn't have the words for. why this is my coping mechanism is beyond me.
> 
> this is for charlie, who cheered me on, for jeff, who wrote me songs, and for jacob, because he would have found it incredibly strange. 
> 
> warnings for brief discussion of alcoholism, character death (no main characters), and the after affects of trauma.

Brian doesn’t leave the house a lot these days. Why would he? Supermarkets deliver, take out delivers, even all the musical instruments he buys come direct to his apartment, straight to his sunny music room, which day by day gets more packed. He’s trying to learn the accordion right now, and it’s not going as quick as he wanted, but it’s fun. His neighbors probably don’t realize how grateful they are for soundproofing. It’s probably the only thing that saves Brian from daily complaints about the noise.

He’s tuning his banjo when his phone starts buzzing on the other side of the room, which he resolutely ignores. He goes back to trying to learn another Sufjan Stevens song. He's somewhat a parody of himself really. 

The phone buzzes again. 

Then again.

Then it starts to ring. Brian huffs but picks up the phone anyway. It's Laura. It's always Laura.

"Why are you calling me, Laura?" he says, trying to keep his tone flat, as if he isn't constantly delighted to speak to his sister.

"As if you aren't delighted I deigned to call you" Laura says, clearly smiling. She knows him too well. "Tomorrow's a holiday which means I don't have to teach, and I have tickets to a gig, so guess what, we're going out!" She sounds excited.

"I, uh, I don't know Laura, like, I really have to get some stuff done."

"Brian, the only thing you get done is learning bad indie songs on more instruments. Just come out and see some bad indie songs live. You might enjoy it."

"Hrgh." Brian grumbles into the phone, he paces across the room, and leans his head against a wall. Laura is laughing at him over the phone.

Traitor.

"I'll pick you up at six! Wear something with no stains on it! Bye" She hangs up on him.

Brian doesn't have to listen to her. He's a grown man who can make his own choices.

robin | @blu3jay 16:34  
man i'm listening to disney kid brian david gilbert's album its soooo nostalgic where did he go????? dreams was a tuneeee

replying to @blu3jay 16:36  
alex | @n0tcoolyet  
lmao i heard he had a nervous breakdown sucks

replying to @n0tcoolyet 16:40  
robin | @blu3jay  
wow weiiiiiiird that sucks i hope he does a comeback soon, i like, need more fun pop in my life and he has like such a good voice wtf

A few hours later and the club is dark and smoky, and fairly packed, enough so that Brian has to rely on Laura to push through the crowds for him. She’s more aggressive than he is, more willing to shove her way through groups of friends to get what she wants. Brian admires it, but doesn’t know how to act like that. He’s way too aware of his own body, and too aware of everything that possibly could go wrong in any given situation.

It's the kind of place that both makes Brian want a drink and reminds him that he really doesn't want one. It's stupid. Laura notices him looking at the bar and squeezes his wrist. They're nearish to the front now, not too close to be uncomfortable for Brian, but close enough to be fun for Laura. 

"I'm gonna get a drink, d'you want anything?" Laura says, and Brian's grateful that the bar isn't so crowded that they have to shout, at least not yet. 

"A Diet Coke?" Brian asks, and Laura nods and darts off through the crowd. Brian knows it wasn't, but it feels like an invisible test he just passed. 

Brian shoves his hands in his pockets and tries not to hunch his shoulders too obviously. It's good for him to be out of the house, but that doesn't stop him from feeling awkward and anxious as soon as Laura is out of his immediate vision.

"Someone's excited for the show, eh?" Brian hears the man next to him say and starts. Brian hadn't even realized anyone was there. 

"What gave it away?" Brian forces a laugh, turning to the man. He's a bit taller than Brian, and wiry, with pale white skin, and a unkempt goatee with a white patch on it's right side. He's wearing glasses, large clear ones, and his face is framed by chin length somewhat greasy brown hair. He's got skinny jeans on, and a slightly stained grey sweater, and Brian feels attraction pool in his gut. He's perfectly Brian's type, and Brian resolves himself to smile more at this guy.

"Hm, maybe the aura of dread that surrounds you? Or the hunched shoulders?" the guy is laughing at Brian a little and it smarts a little but Brian pushes through it. "So, not a fan of tonight's music?"

"Not a fan of crowded bars" Brian corrects and the guy raises his eyebrows and makes an 'ah' noise of understanding. "My sister dragged me here, I've got no idea what's on tonight, but who knows with my sisters taste. I'll either love it or hate it."

"Let's hope for love then" the stranger says, drinking from his plastic cup, Brian can't quite see what's in it in the dull light of the bar. It's kind of ridiculous that Brian still doesn't know how to ask the guys name. All the meetings, and magazines, and coaching, all to maybe him sociable, personable, friendly but not too friendly, and nothing stuck, apart from the obsessive fear of any step out of social cues. 

"I'm Brian, by the by" he says, his hand twitching in his pocket. He wants to offer a handshake, he's so used to it, too many corporate meetings before he even hit 20, but it looks weird. He keeps his hand in his pocket.

The stranger is looking at his phone but then seems to register both what Brian said, and also that something is not right on his phone.

"Shit, sorry Brian, gotta run, I'll catch you after the show?" he says, starting to weave his way through the crowd. 

"Wait!" Brian says grumpily. "You didn't even tell me your name!"

Laura gets back a moment later and hands him a worryingly close to overflowing plastic cup of coke, clutching her own cup to her chest.

"Who was the string bean you were talking to?" Laura asks, smirk on her face. She's gonna make fun of him, Brian knows.

"Uh, no one. I didn't even get a name" Brian says, taking a gulp from his coke. 

"Looked like just your type." Laura says smugly.

"Oh, shut up" Brian says, face flushing. It's warm in here though, and that's definitely why. Laura elbows him in the side gently, and laughs a little before opening her mouth to make fun of Brian. Fortunately, this is the point where God decides to take pity on Brian, and the people all around them start to cheer as someone walks out onto the stage. 

The man from before walks on stage, still wearnig his skinny jeans, the slightly stained grey sweater, and the large clear glasses, now holding a banjo. He sits down on a stool in the middle of the stage and smiles and for a second Brian thinks their eyes meet. He strums a few notes on his banjo, before he leans forward to speak into the mic. God did not take pity on Brian.

"Hi." The audience cheers a little bit. "I'm Pat, I'm here to sing for you guys. Is that cool?" The audience cheers more this time, He looks nervous on stage, paler than he did in the crowd. The name Pat suits him. Brian smiles at him, watches Pat's eyes meet his and a smile stretch across his face, just briefly. 

"I uh. I wanted to say more things but I think I'm just gonna start. That makes sense right? Alright. Alright. This one's for David Milch" 

Pat looks down, starts to strum, slow and rhythmic. It's a while before he starts singing and Brian is entranced. Pat keeps his eyes shut when he sings, and rocks back and forwards slightly, so caught up that he can't help himself but move. 

He's incredible. Brian is in love.

jenny | @st0neready 21:13  
wowww i just saw a dude who looks just like that kid from that disney show a stitch in time? omg dyou think its him???? that was my shiiiiiiiiiiit when i was a kid wow wild

twelve | @borzboit 22:39  
@chaoticpatral just played the best set tonight, if you get the chance, SEE HIM LIVE!

The show ends abruptly, Patrick finishing a song and immediately quietly saying "Thanks, bye" into the microphone, before rushing off stage. It was transcendental. It was exactly the kind of music Brian wishes he could make. Brian can't tell if he wants to be him or fuck him

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Brian startles as Laura smiles at him.

"No, that wasn't so bad at all." Brian says. "You have better taste than you used to. No more Justin Timberlake, eh?"

"Justin was fine, Bri, and you know it." She elongates the 'i' in fine, and Brian laughs despite himself. "Just because I listen to your indie crap too doesn't mean my good pop music sucks. I still like your album."

"Well, that makes one of us. D'you wanna get a drink at the bar?" 

"Why, you read my mind, brother mine" Laura loops her arm through Brian's and starts dragging him towards the bar. It's nice. It's nice to be out of the house, with Laura, and to know no ones looking at either of them, no one's talking about those stupid disney kids, no one's thinking about the car Brian crashed, or the time he showed up drunk at a concert for children. 

It's just him and his sister in a bar, and no one knows who they are anymore.

It's a kind of peace Brian never thought he'd have.

The bar is not as crowded as it was a while ago, most people left after the show, and Brian sits at one of the stools at the bar, orders another diet coke. He really shouldn't be drinking so much caffeine so late, but it doesn't matter really. It's better than the alternative.

Laura gets some craft beer, raises her eyebrows at him and dares him to comment. He won't. She doesn't teach tomorrow, and she was never the one who was drunk throughout the entirety of that stupid show they did together. She deserves a drink now and then these days.

"Y'know Jonah never thought we'd get to this point." She stops looks down at the bar. "Like, he thought we'd never be able to sit in a bar, calm, no one bothering us, not even us bothering us."

"Laura" Brian says, both surprised and not when tears prick at his eyes. It's been years and yet.

"It's okay, he'd be glad we're here." Laura nods, decisively. "I wish he was here with us."

Brian can't say anything. Suddenly the room feels suffocating.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom for a moment, be right back." He slides off his chair. Laura sighs, turns away. 

"It's that way." Laura says, and Brian nods. He needs to splash some water on his face, needs to not think about this, can't think about Jonah.

He knows Laura means well, knows she just wants to talk about Jonah with someone who loved him as much as she did, if not more. Brian just can't do it, can't talk about him without the words tasting like ash, can't think about the sensible funeral, his parents spreading his ashes, can't think of how he missed it for a week long bender.

He can't think of Jonah without thinking about rehab, without thinking about the hours they spent together. He gets stuck in his head. 

He rushes across the bar, until he collides head-first into someone, his face pressed against a shoulder. Whoever it is smells kind of nice, and Brian flushes. Hands touch his shoulders and Brian hates that he feels himself tense. The hands push him away slightly, steady him and Brian just stares at the ground, flushing.

"Woah there, you alright?" says Patrick Gill and of course, it's the guy that Brian's already embarrassed himself in front of once today. "Brian, right?"

"Ah, uh, yeah, Brian, that's me. Sorry about earlier, and also sorry about now, and I guess just, sorry in general really" Brian laughs nervously, runs his hand through his hair. Patrick just smiles at him and Brian flushes even more.

"No, no, you were fine, then and now, though I'm a little concerned for your eyes that you didn't notice me walking right up to you. I'm Pat by the way," Pat says, and he smiles even more at Brian. Brian as close to in love as he's ever been before - excepting, strike that, Brian doesn't want to think about that right now.

"Well, I'm wearing contacts, but I'll be sure to tell my optometrist that you voice complaints" Brian says.

"Can I trust you to give an accurate description of the night? Will I have to come with to make the point in person?" Pat asks, his eyebrow raised.

"Well, eye witness is never objective, but I am, shockingly maybe, entirely sober." Brian says. "Not a drop of alcohol in this system, no sirree." Pat laughs again and Brian never thought he was funny but Pat sure seems to think he is.

"So, if you're not here to enjoy the fine music, and you're not here to drink, why are you here then, young Brian?" Pat asks, and Brian wonders at the immediate nickname.

"Well, I'm not not here for the music. You did very well, you've got beautiful lyrics. I'm a bit musical myself, though I'm sure not as musical as you. But right, my sister dragged me here." Brian says, rambling, forever uncool, and probably making Pat regret ever talking to him.

"Right, right, I remember. So you're musical? Done anything I'd have heard of?" Pat raises an eyebrow.

Brian thinks about the international Disney TV show, the album, the worldwide tour, and the months of tabloid press on every terrible thing he'd ever done.

"Nah, ah, uh, not really. Never done anything me" Brian laughs, hoping it doesn't sound strained. "Mostly I just teach myself instruments. I'm trying an accordion at the moment, It's pretty fun."

"An accordion? Wow. I've just got this guitar, and I mean, I'm better now but, for a while there I'm pretty sure I only knew 4 chords." Pat's 

"Well, 4 chords will do if you use them well. I'm sure you used them well." 

"I'll try to be worthy of your praise." Pat over-exaggerates a bow there, loud and flamboyant, and Brian erupts into giggles.

There's only one response. Brian bows back, ads a flounce in his footwork, watches Pat laugh. 

He feels brave suddenly. 

"D'you want to like, do this again, but like, planned, and just you and me, and also it's a date" Brian is, and always will be, a fucking idiot. Pat looks surprised. Brian just ruined everything, Brian is going to die alone surrounded by only instruments, with only his sister to miss him.

"Yes, please." Pat says.

"Totally, understandable, I'll leave you alone forever now- wait, did you say yes?" Brian stops himself mid-spiral.

"Yes. You're uh. You're cute." Pat seems at a loss for words. "Talking to you feels easy. It's the most fun I've had in a while. Gimme your number, I'll put it in my phone."

Brian rattles off his number, feels his phone buzz in his pocket, and Pat smiles at him. 

"That's me." 

"Good" Brian says, in a complete daze. "I should really, uh, I should really go back to my sister. She probably thinks I've been murdered." 

"Yeah" Pat seems at least similarly dazed to Brian. "I should head home. Um, text me? I'll text you when I'm home, if that's cool?"

"Thats, uh, that's very cool, Pat." Brian beams at Pat. "Yeah, I'm gonna - I'm gonna go see Laura. Uh. Talk to you later, bye!" Brian starts to walk backwards, still staring at Pat.

"Bye Brian!" Pat yells at him, before turning around. Brian watches his hair sway on his shoulders.

Brian is so gone. 

When Brian finally, finally gets back to Laura she appears to be on a whole new drink, this one just a soft one Brian thinks. 

"Did you fall in?" She asks, smirk firmly on place.

"Uh no, I uh. I just asked the singer out? He said yes, I guess, uhm, he was the guy I was talking to earlier" Brian stammers.

"The stringbean! Give me all the deets!" Laura says, turning her whole body towards him, and Brian sighs but smiles, and does.

 

Pat texts Brian about 5 minutes after Brian gets through his own door and collapses onto his bed. It's about half an hour maybe after they last met, and Brian smiles down at his phone.

Pat 23:13  
The subway is a nightmare at night  
This is Pat, btw

Brian: 23:14  
Sorry to hear that, also yeah, I figured  
I'm lucky I only have to walk 10 minutes to get to my place

Pat 23:14  
Wow, are you rich or what  
Sorry that was weird  
But also are you rich or what

Brian: 23: 20  
Uh, kinda. It's a weird story.  
I just like, live here I guess

Pat: 23:25  
I guess? Are you squatting

Pat: 23:35  
Do you still want to go on a date?

Brian 23:37  
Yes.  
Please.  
Not to be over eager, but, are you free this week?

Pat 23:40  
Thursday?

Brian: 23:41  
It's a date :-)

Pat 23:27  
:-)


End file.
